Sunday, July 15, 2007

Life Lessons from Your Soul - My Life Review

On August 10, I have a big birthday. I turn 40 years old. The great news is I look like I'm 29 - in fact, I look 10 years younger today than I did 5 years ago. I have finally realized I am an incredibly beautiful woman - both inside and out. I recently had a photo shoot with a phenomenal celebrity photographer. I finally saw what others have been trying to tell me my whole life. Thank you Starla Fortunato for being the wayshower for that!

I went to write in my journal tonight and felt strongly guided to write in my blog instead. The pull was so huge I had to honor it. I decided to write for all to see what my life is like right now. It's not a gimmick or a way to get more business - it's a way to share me and my process. My proceess is yours - just as my clients' processes become mine too. So read, comment if you like and get ready for the raw life of a Spiritual Psychotherapist about to turn 40 living in Los Angeles and wondering how the heck she got here!

So many people expect me to be strong for them. I listen to clients yelling on the phone to me about their lives. I help them trudge through their darkest valleys and I am here for them to cry, rant, rave and share. I love it. I love to help and listen and learn from the very wisdom that flows through me in my sessions. So often something comes out of my mouth for a client that is exactly what I need to hear. I will marvel at the brilliance of all that wisdom and thank my soul for sending it through - and my personality for allowing it to happen!

The dark side of the love for what I do is that I don't take the best care of me. I give to others so easily and willingly and have little left to give to me - not always but often enough to notice. I often buy the lie that I have to be strong for everyone else and keep the chin up even when I feel alone and afraid and scared. I get to be human too and in that frailty, I can still feel as though I never healed one ounce of what I have. Then I write it down or tell a friend or have a healing session and I feel renewed.

I remember that my teachers told me that the path would be harder for me than most - they say it always is for the one who is to teach many. So far the many have not materialized and that confuses me too. Still I know there's way more than a few but not the masses then I wonder if I am doing something wrong or if I missed the opportunity becasue I was sullen that day. Then I plod on. I do it because I must. It is just in me to keep going.

So this is me reviewing my life. The things I 'thought' I would have done by now or where I thought I would be are simply not in my life. I thought I would be happily married with four children. I am twice divorced and childless. I thought I would be a best selling author traveling the world speaking teaching and writing more. I have two unfinished book proposals sitting in this very computer, I haven't spoken to a group (other than a group of girlfriends or in a speaker's workshop) in over two years and have only left Los Angeles in the last two years to see my family in DC. I thought I would be financially properous with a couple of properties around the country, my debt paid and living comfortably. I have more debt than ever and have no idea how I am going to pay rent this next month - again!

All the rules that we hear in the self help communities - I have followed them all. I have affirmed myself to the stars, I have visualized what 'I want' adnauseum. I have blamed myself for when things did not go the way I saw it thinking 'I must not be doing this right'. I have repeated 'cancel, cancel' when I did not say the 'right' thing. I have pondered the creation of reality each and every day for years - over a decade now. I have stayed in integrity paying my bills as I said I would and eating rice for dinner or going without in so many ways I'm embarrased to write them down. I have been honest in my romantic relationships and endured lies and infidelity from nearly all of them.

Here's what I sense is happening. I sense that I am living my story - just as we all are. I am learning about acceptance, perseverance, detachment, compassion for self, honesty, duplicity, being real, letting go, really about just being me - rather than fighting every impulse that seems 'negative' because it's 'not spiritual'. I am learning to trust that there is a plan for me and my judgements about there being a 'better' one are simply that - judgements. I am learning about accepting the amazing life I do have - about gratitude, faith and hope. If I did not have these experiences, how could I really do that? I am also learning that my idea of what 'should be' is not in alignment with what is.

I cannot control this life. None of us can. We can set our goals and send out our prayers and sometimes we just have to wait. I, for one, am not going to join the ranks of all those self help guru's who refuse to admit they too have a dark side. I know that when any of us ignore that part of the self, we ignore God talking to us.

So, this is my life right now. I am human. It gets difficult. It gets euphoric. It gets diverse. It gets arduous. It gets fun. I guess I do have it all. Whether the tide turns or stays as it is, I accept the flow of my life. I thank you God for all you have given me. The blessings - I have so many. I thank you for all those who love me and most of all for your love as it sustains me and shines from my eyes, my heart and every part of my being and beyond. I love you. I love me.

(Yes. This is how I write in my journal. If anyone reads this, post your thoughts and your stories. Let's get raw here. Let's be real. Let's celebrate life and all its' bumps an bruises and triumphs too.)

This is my life review - just getting started . . . 40 here I come!

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